"Wooden Jesus, where are you from?"
(The plane touches down at the Orlando Executive Airport. Pastor Kenneth Copeland's private jet lands, carrying the enigma from Shingo, Aomori, Japan. The door to the jet opens as the staircase is lined up, and the man of the hour emerges. His hair covering his face, sunglasses on his eyes, the blush of a night spent drinking evident on his face.)
"Korea or Canada or maybe Taiwan?"
(He notices the paparazzi - or as they call themselves, God's messengers - standing at the base. Cameras are already flashing. Newspapers, magazines, and editorials that serve the faithful masses, ready to see he who has been called the 'Messiah' in the flesh. He steps out and raises his arms, a wave of cheers from the crowd follows, and that damned smile takes over his face.)
"But I didn't know it was the Holy Land"
(He walks down, the believers rs clearing the path for the man as he removes his sunglasses, flashing that heaven-blessed smile to all waiting for him. He throws a sprinkle of holy water into the audience and raises his arm up high as he enters the Cadillac Escalade waiting for him at the base of the plane.)
"But I believed from the minute the check left my hand and I prayed…
Can I be saved?
I spent all my money on a future grave
Wooden Jesus, I'll cut you in
On twenty percent of my future sin
I'll cut you in."
(The cameraman follows him into the car. The man known as Japanese Jesus leans in the backseat and the twisted smile turns into an even more wicked grin as the car drives away.)
Japanese Jesus: Thank god… Are those fuckers gone?
Driver: Yes sir.
Japanese Jesus: Good. Praise the Lord - oh wait, that's me! It's good to be good, it's better to be great, and it's best to be… The Son of the fuckin' God himself. You guys got some good camera angles there of me coming down? I'm thinking "Wooden Jesus" by Temple of the Dog for the background music. Good lord do I love Chris Cornell.
Cameraman: Got it, sir.
Japanese Jesus: Good, good… Now tonight we're headed to the Amway Center. Twenty-thousand fans in attendance for Kenneth Copeland's special sermon. Of course he has me, the special attraction, "Japanese Jesus", "The Oriental Messiah", "Christ from China", a lot of names have been circulating around the internet but whatever they call me I've only got three things on my mind - the six figure check I'm getting for 5 minutes of pretending to speak in broken English, the bitches in Miami, and all of the cocaine and alcohol my heart can take before it fails.
Driver: Sounds like a good time sir, shall we head to the hotel first?
Japanese Jesus: Hotel? Fuck no, we don't have any time for that. You heard me driver! Cocaine and bitches! Get me to a god damn drug dealer! Did you contact the plug yet?
Cameraman: Yes sir, we've arranged for the pickup.
Japanese Jesus: Good. Now the only problem with this damned weekend is I'm going from a six figure paycheck on Saturday night to spend five minutes in front a crowd of twenty-thousand morons that worship the ground I walk on thinking I'm their foretold savior from two thousand years ago - to going to that dinky Addition Financial Arena… Jesus Christ, that shit only seats ten thousand?! Only ten-thousand?!!
Driver: Yes sir, it is a smaller scale arena. I believe because PCW is a newer company and Kenneth Copeland had the Amway Center booked for Saturday, that was the best they could do.
Japanese Jesus: Father help me, you did not fly your blessed son from Shingo to Orlando to wrestle in front of a measly ten-thousand! I've delivered sermons in front of fifty-thousand people in Japan! This is an offense to the heavens, may God smite Sebastian Monroe down to hell!
Cameraman: Your match seems easy enough sir. El Landerson is not a problem for most.
Japanese Jesus: That's by design, my good bitch. My influence and charisma is that of a King's. Have you read the bio I had ChatGPT write for me and send into the PCW office? "Japanese Jesus has God on his side, the father, the holy spirit, and he is the Son - so how could he ever lose?" I intend to keep that a reality. Look - I don't care about championships and stuff, yet, but I'll tell you what I do care about. Winning. It doesn't matter whether it's El Landerson, or some fat fuck from the crowd, or someone's grandmother. That win-loss record is going to look real nice for a long time while I take it easy, and when it's time to strike…
(He flashes that devilish smile, that damned son of God.)
Japanese Jesus: God help whoever gets in my way. Now, *snap snap*, take me to the coco!
Driver: Yes sir.
(Japanese Jesus looks out the window, grinning, as the feed fades to black.)
Yesterday at 12:14 am by 
Subject: JAPANESE JESUS #1 
